Monthly Mentor: It’s Not You, It’s Me... Speaking to “The Other”
By Brigitta Hoeferle
As long as there are different personality types in people, different opinions in an opinionated world, different experiences of life events and actions, different world views within the same world, different cultures within a culture, and different generations within our time on this earth, there will be friction. Always has been, always will be.
Can we take it on ourselves to fix all of this? Questionable. What we can take on is to be better communicators, to be more open, to listen more with an open heart, and to be less judgmental. With whom does this start? That’s right: myself. Because I’m not in charge of others, nor am I in control of others.
Growing up in Germany in the 1980s and moving to the U.S. in the early 2000s I often find myself not being able to relate to certain everyday life challenges and cultural references that other white female Gen X-ers in the U.S. face. It’s simply not in my “worldview dictionary,” although I speak fluent English.
I was born in a tiny village to a missionary father and a business owner mother — far from being brought up with a silver spoon in my mouth. When I moved to the U.S. with my husband to build a business in 2004, I was struck by the clichés and stigmas around me being a white Gen X female in the business world. I have been surrounded by “good old boy” baby boomers who bulldoze over others who don’t think like them.
Simply serving on the Board of Directors at a Chamber of Commerce at age 35, among all white male baby boomers, was an eye-opening experience coming from abroad. There are many assumptions people put on age (experienced vs. inexperienced), gender (weak vs. strong and emotional vs. rational), politics (liberal vs. conservative), and culture (everything vs. anything).
To this day, if someone doesn’t know me, I get put into a box labeled: “white, well-off, middle-aged, privileged woman who has it all and gets her way.” The reality couldn’t be farther from the truth! That’s why I relate to others on another level — no matter what culture, generation, believe system, or worldview. And sometimes, should I initially struggle with relating, I like to at least start a conversation to do my very best in order to build rapport and to get a sense for the person’s worldview, mindset, and way of doing.
Different cultures and different generations bring different challenges and baggage with them. Trust me, as a German woman, born to a mother who lived through World War II and a grandfather who was in a concentration camp, I have my own cultural baggage. I, however, will not allow this to define who I am.
There are many businessmen and women, entrepreneurs, students, and seniors who I work with, and they often ask how I feel about racial, gender, and cultural gaps.
Let’s have those conversations, those interactions, that togetherness!
First of all, the question is never “why:”
Why do older generations think millennials are overly sensitive?
Why are millennials considered whiny or ungrateful when standing up to elders?
Why has this been considered disrespectful?
The word “why” is typically not a good way to start a question, as it pushes the receiver into a defensive mode.
So how can we start to relate to “the other?” “The other” might be the elderly neighbor who grew up without social media and tech-gadgets. It could be the man at the coffee shop who shows affection to his boyfriend. Or the Gen Z-er who chooses to move away from all the gadgets and go back to the roots. “The other” may be the rabbi who plays the piano in a gospel trio. He is also the young, white male nanny who catches up for coffee with his black lady-boss. And it is the Georgia country boy who loves Jesus and pulls the Asian liberal hipster out of the ditch with his truck.
It starts with ME!
Hence, better questions to ask are:
What can older generations do to create a better way to communicate with younger generations?
How can elders respect millennials in their new way of thinking instead of dismissing their standing for justice as ungrateful and whiny?
How can millennials show that they are indeed not oversensitive in the eyes of the Gen X-ers or baby boomers?
How can I show more respect towards others?
Let me boil this down: Baby boomers and Gen X-ers have been creating this mindset of “Everyone’s a winner baby, that’s the truth…” (thank you, Hot Chocolate). Our traditional schools chose to dismiss many life skill classes (home economics, sewing and cooking, manners, etc.) and introduce the Internet with lots of resources and information at one’s fingertips, eliminating hands-on experiences. Children have been getting awards for simply trying and showing up. These kids aren’t kids anymore. They are the millennials who find themselves in the sometimes hostile environment of adult life. And the older generations are blaming them for being “lazy,” “entitled,” “ungrateful,” “oversensitive,” “dependent,” and “disrespectful?”
If you think those are blanket statements, you’re not wrong. Really, are all millennials like that? Says who? Based on what? This conversation starts with two individuals and it starts with “How? When? What?” and not with “Why.”
What can I do today that will benefit your growth, your success, your life?
I was asked the other day if I thought that older generations might be jealous (consciously or subconsciously) of the freedoms millennials enjoy today. I don’t see them necessarily as freedoms. I see them as flexible boundaries, and they bring their own demons. The Internet, the fast paced lifestyle, the work from basically anywhere in the world, the social media and how it portrays the “perfect” life.
I believe there is too much choice, too much anxiousness, too much at one’s fingertips making one too picky and causing too much overwhelm, too much indecision, too much non-commitment. It’s a loud and crowded world in which we are creating business relationships and trying to build lasting romantic relationships. Having friends, meeting people, and doing business has never been so easy and so challenging at the same time. It takes a well-grounded person in their own being to sustain all the noise, stigma, and clichés. And that starts with oneself.
So, what’s the true answer to all of this? I don’t know. All I know is that I can start with ME, have more conversations with “the other,” listen more to relate rather than responding to be understood. When EVERYONE goes by this idea, things will change. And that takes time. I start today. What about you?
Meet the Writer
Engaging & successful international Speaker and CEO of the NLP Center of Atlanta, Brigitta Hoeferle is a master communicator and #1 trainer for the groundbreaking personality intelligence methodology. Companies invite her company to train their C-Level executives, sales teams and customer care teams, promoters invite her to speak on stages around the world.
