Op-Ed: If You Have Ever Consumed These Millennial Items, You Probably Don’t Need to Worry About the Covid Vaccine

By Jessica Wise

*Disclaimer: This article is meant to be humorous, and is 100% opinion-based. Neither I nor Audacity claim to be experts on the Covid-19 vaccine.

Listen, I can understand being wary of a new vaccine, especially after the last few years we have had. We don’t know the long term side effects. We don’t know how well they work. We don’t know who’s in charge.

But here’s the thing...we could say the same about nearly everything else we put in our bodies.

We’re millennials! We’ve survived everything from childhood obesity to public school lunches. If you were born between 1985 and 1996, here the items we’ve consumed that make a new vaccine look like child’s play.

Four Loko

The godfather of all things that are bad for us. My friends and I used to link up on the weekends and add this as a mixer in the hunch punch of the evening. Let that sink in...we combined an alcoholic energy drink with additional cheap liquor. If you’ve ever lived this dangerously, a Covid vaccine could be formidable upper.

McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets...or Anything Else from McDonald’s

We all know they’re not real chicken, right? How far do I need to go with this?

Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder

This product literally gave everyone cancer. We may be entitled to money damages. If you survived your Rugrats days getting any of this shaken into your diaper, a Covid vaccine could just be the screwdriver you need to get out of the play pen and back in society.

J&J also has a vaccine in the works. Nothing has been released for usage yet, but if things pan out, you can get your vaccine in just one dose instead of two. Some of the doctors I have spoken to suggest that this actually might be a better option than the current Moderna and Pfizer vaccines, as it only requires one dose and gets you protected faster.

Hot Funyuns, Hot Cheetos, and Doritos

Fake, powdered cheese. Fake spices. And some frighteningly bright red coloring. Not to mention the price you pay for eating these later...if you know what I mean. If your body survives this after a good high, it will probably take this vaccine like a champ.

Red Bull, Jaeger, or Both

A Jaegerbomb just never ends well...or starts well once you see what’s in it.

Kid Cuisine

Seriously, what the f*** were we eating? We put a chicken drumstick and a brownie in the same oven at the same time, and somehow it all came out “cooked” evenly. My Easy Bake Oven would never.

White Out

You know you sniffed it… You know you did, or you know somebody who did. You don’t need to worry about what’s in the Covid vaccine.

Fireball

This cinnamon syrup shot of doom was all fun and games until we discovered propylene glycol and traces of antifreeze in it, circa 2014. If you continued with this after the recall...you’ve probably built a pretty strong defense for just about anything...including a science-approved Covid vaccine.

I’m not a doctor or a scientist...and neither are you, my friend. Jokes aside, make sure to do your own research with reputable science journals and consult with your healthcare provider to make the best decision for yourself. As for me and my house of one, I think I’ll take my chances on this one.

What other millennial items are scarier than the vaccine? Let us know in the comments!